Love Languages

If you haven’t read this book yet, and you are married, engaged, dating, or ever hope to be in a meaningful relationship, I highly recommend that you move this book to the top of your “to read” list, now. Your library probably has a copy. There might be a waiting list; it is worth the wait. Here it is:

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

I had vaguely heard of this before, but I first got familiar with the concepts during a couples retreat Justin and I went to during our engagement. There was a presentation, we took the quiz, and I was so intrigued that I later checked out the book from the library to get the full explanation.

In case you’re not familiar with love languages yet, here’s a very brief introduction: Love can be given and received in many different ways. Some forms of love-giving “work better” for some people, while other forms work better for others. Chapman identifies five categories of love giving and receiving—the languages. Each person has one or two more prominent languages, which dictate the way they naturally like to show love to others, as well as which loving actions will make that person feel the most loved.

The five love languages are:
Physical touch
Words of affirmation
Gifts
Quality time
Acts of service

Anyone can give and receive love in any of these languages, but, like speaking your native tongue, it’s just easier to “speak” love in your own “language.”

Anyway, if you want more details, for sure read the book!

Here I want to give witness to how understanding the love languages has helped me in my relationships, as well as helped me with understanding myself.

At that retreat six years ago, Justin and I discovered that we each have two tied “top” love languages, and we shared Physical Touch as one of them. This is pretty lucky for us. We happily exchange foot rubs, offer neck massages when we know the other one is stressed, and we both want to hold hands at the movies. We speak the same language, and it makes it easy to show our love for one another in this way every day.

Each of our other top languages was different, though. His is Words of Affirmation; mine is Quality Time.

This was a “eureka” moment for me. Justin would constantly compliment me, say the words “I love you,” and tell me how awesome I was. Sometimes it seemed excessive to me. Like, okay you told me I’m beautiful four times in the last hour… Sometimes I even wondered if it was genuine, or just something to say. After learning that was his primary love language, it clicked for me: he really meant every single compliment. And the translation of each of them was “I love you.” I’ve never counted, but I bet he’s often told me with words (in those words or not) that he loves me at least a hundred times in one day. Lucky me!

This knowledge also helped me check myself on how I was speaking to him. I started making a conscious effort to say “I love you” to him out loud more often. I did love him, of course! But saying it over and over felt a little forced at first. I’ve gotten used to it now, because I know he needs to hear it in order to feel it.

I also realized I had a tendency to say mean things when I was mad, passive-aggressively, instead of addressing the problem directly. That was a bad habit I probably should have been trying to change anyway, but in the context of love languages, working on this became a higher priority. This is one I still catch myself in and have to correct myself for.

My mom has a necklace that says “Love is a verb.” The saying is almost as cliche as “live laugh love,” but at least the former is totally true! I have to make a choice and take action to love Justin in his language of Words of Affirmation, because that language doesn’t come to me naturally.

In the case of myself, learning that my love language is Quality Time helped me understand why it was SO irksome to me when Justin had his phone out at the dinner table. I’d figured out that instead of making passive-aggressive comments about it, I needed to directly address it with him…so I did. We came to the compromise that he could check us in on Facebook at restaurants (he really liked showing off where he took me, lol), but he respected my request and got good at keeping his phone in his pocket after that. And I was feeling more loved on our dates because he was fully present for me and attentive to me. Yay!

This also helped me in my platonic friendships. I felt like I had a great relationship with my roommates senior year of college, and I know for a fact that my feeling close to them was at least partly due to all three of us prioritizing Roommate Dinner every Wednesday night, and studying together at home. Of course there were a lot of factors that went into our domestic felicity that year: mutual respect, similar values, genuine care for one another, etc. But these gals spoke my love language, so I felt valued and loved. Woo!

As your state of life and perspective on life changes, your love language(s) can change. Since becoming a mother, Acts of Service has shot up significantly in my love language pecking order. I think that, from learning to “speak” this language so fluently (I love my kids: I want them to stay alive: my children literally need me to give them Acts of Service in order to live—food, drink, diapers, yo it is nap time whether you think you need it or not, mister)….anyway, because I speak that language fluently now, I have this newly realized need to hear it, too. Maybe I still need it less than that super relaxing shoulder rub during a movie last night, or than some phones-down eye-contact conversation, but I need it, nonetheless.

Many mornings, Justin gets up to get the kids their breakfast when they awake and brings me a cup of coffee before I even get out of bed. I appreciate it so much. It makes me feel appreciated and valued. In short, I feel So. Loved! I once pointed out that this was a huge Act of Service. He didn’t seem to buy it. I explained he was doing something I normally do (when he is out of town or leaves early for work) so that I didn’t have to do it. Textbook example.

Point being: get to know yourself through your love language, communicate about it with your significant other, and start making each other feel more loved!

Love languages can help you love your kids effectively, too. There is a separate book, The 5 Love Languages of Children, if you want the full scoop. The five languages are the same, but there are different techniques to identify which one is predominant in someone other than yourself, and in a non-romantic love relationship. Chapman suggests that for young kids, you should just give them high doses of all five love languages every day. He says a kid may not exhibit her preference in love language definitively until around eight years old; then you can start to hone in on her language and favor that one if you want. (…while still loving her in all five. She’ll need to see each one demonstrated to equip her to better love all the people she needs to love in her life, in lots of ways!)

Both my kids are under eight by a lot, but Miryam, even at four years, has shown a strong need for Physical Touch. She is big on snuggling, multiple times a day; she is generous with hugs and kisses; and when she likes someone new, she often wants to physically climb on them. Since I’ve noticed this, I try to be as accommodating as possible when she asks to snuggle, even if I’m in the middle of something. And, when she’s upset from being disciplined, I give her some space/time and then make sure to finish off with a big hug. I need her to know when her actions are unacceptable, but I also want her to know I still love her anyway.

I feel like I’m leaving out so much important information! But Gary Chapman already wrote a whole book (actually several books from different perspectives) about it, so I’ll leave it at that.

Do you know your love language(s)? What about your partner’s, or your children’s? Was anyone else out there as epiphany-excited as I was to learn about this stuff for the first time? Tell me in the comments below.